Fitbit Scale Problems

Do you have Fitbit Scale Problems? Listen and learn as the Tech Woes IT Fitbit pros expertly demonstrate how to overcome Fitbit scale problems.

Fitbit Scale Problems

Fitbit scale problems

can be quite annoying. My beef is the way it kills batteries. Frequently, I walk into the bathroom and see my Fitbit scale repeating “step off,” with nobody near it. Sometimes it stops on its own, and other times I have to remove the batteries, to make it stop. In fact, the only way to keep it from randomly throwing a step off hissy fit is to leave the batteries out when I’m not using it. To be sure, that approach is not popular with my wife. Consequently, I keep a supply of AA batteries handy.

Following is a transcript

of a person with Fitbit scale problems and a creatively unhelpful tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Perhaps, it is a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor.   I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I have Fitbit Scale Problems. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: What sort of problems?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: It eats batteries like popcorn.

Unhelpful tech support guy: We get that a lot. I can fix it though. With my fix, you will only change your batteries every five years.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Tell me more.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Put new batteries in your scale and weigh yourself.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: And then?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Wait five years, put new batteries in the scale, and weigh yourself again.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support,  where a stupid answer is only a phone call  away.

How to Hack Email

Do you need to know how to hack email? Listen and learn as the Tech Woes IT hacking pros expertly demonstrate how to hack email.

Learn how to hack email

however, unless you believe the goofy audio, you will learnHow to hack email something more useful, in the next few sentences. So, I’ll give you a few tips on avoiding email hacks. First of all, use a good strong password, certainly not one on the common passwords list. Also, avoid using the same password elsewhere. If possible, use two factor authentication, such as with a password and cell phone. To be sure, avoid clicking on links and opening attachments from unknown sources. Lastly, do not share your password with anyone.

Following is a transcript

of a person wanting to learn how to hack email and an unhelpful tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Perhaps, it is a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor. I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by. Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m with the [mumble-mumble] campaign and need to know how to hack email. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course, it’s easy.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m listening.

Unhelpful tech support guy: First of all, print out your email.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Ok. And then?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Put your printed email on a cutting board.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m with you.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Then, hack it with a sharp knife. That is how to hack email.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much. You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

Acid Wash Computers

Do you need to acid wash computers? Listen and learn as the Tech Woes IT pros demonstrate how to expertly acid wash computers.

Acid wash computers?

Perhaps, if they are made of brick and covered with mildew.Acid wash computers  For modern computers, however, IT professionals recommend destroying their hard drives, at the end of their service lives. Some recommend degaussing and drilling holes in hard drives. Since many IT providers do not have degaussers, they simply drill holes in the drives  In fact, this is standard privacy practice. Typically, IT professionals charge about $50 per drive to drill three holes. To be sure, secure data destruction specialists may charge less. Here is an example price list.

Following is a transcript

of a person with end of life computers and an unhelpful tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Perhaps, it is a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor.   I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I have some old computers to clean off. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: What is on the old computers?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Personal stuff. Tax returns and such.

Unhelpful tech support guy: No problem. Wash them in acid.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: What about destroying the hard drives?

Unhelpful tech support guy: I’m technical support. Are you questioning me?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m sorry. Please continue.

Unhelpful tech support guy: First, put your old computers in your car trunk.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Ok.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Next, fill your trunk with acid and scrub with a brush. That, my friend, is how to acid wash computers.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support,  where a stupid answer is only a phone call  away.

Tech Woes Home

Welcome to Tech Woes, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away. Unfortunately, the intentionally bad, and hopefully humorous, advice on this site resembles the advice people frequently get from technical support providers. Many of you know exactly what I mean.

Do you suffer from tech woes? Meet the helpful folks in Technical Support.

Tech Woes: a common theme

In the many years I have worked in IT, I encountered a diverse lot of technically unsophisticated people. They had one thing in common with each other — they suffered from tech woes. My boss called me into her office, because her modem Got Tech Woes?“didn’t work.” It turned out that the only problem with her modem was that it was facing away from her, so she couldn’t see the light! A colleague could not log in to our administrative system. When I arrived at his office to help him, I discovered that his computer was not plugged in. It was probably a good thing, though, because it was also underneath a live hanging plant! Once we moved his computer to a safer location, plugged it in and turned it on, logging in was pretty simple.

A coworker was quite upset that her computer was making a loud and continuous beeping sound. It did not take long to discover that the culprit was a book laying on her keyboard. Once the problem book was removed, we had a good laugh. A very affable colleague used to jokingly tell people, “There’s a short between the chair and the keyboard.” Another colleague tells people — after he fixes the problem — “It is a PICNIC. Problem in Chair, Not in Keyboard,” as he laughs with them, not at them. Tech Woes is dedicated to using geek humor to make fun of unhelpful and condescending technical support staff. Just the names have been changed, to protect the not so innocent.

Hackintosh Enjoyable Angst

Hackintosh enjoyable angst can be cured. Listen and learn as Tech Woes IT pros clearly demonstrate how to successfully treat Hackintosh enjoyable angst.

Hackintosh enjoyable angst

affects nearly all Hackintosh builders. Since not everyone Hackintosh enjoyable angstknows what a Hackintosh is, let me explain. Specifically, it is a non-Apple PC with the MacOS installed. So, you have a Mac and Windows PC living in the same chassis. Since it is not Apple hardware, updates to the MacOS frequently break something. Of course, this leads to Hackintosh enjoyable angst. See, Hackintosh builders enjoy the challenge. That is the enjoyable part. Certainly, the angst part is obvious.

Following is a transcript

of a person with a Hackintosh and a creatively unhelpful tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Perhaps, it is a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor.   I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m having trouble with my Hackintosh. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: You have a Hackintosh?  Why?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: It gives me enjoyable angst.

Unhelpful tech support guy: I see.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: So, can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course, I can. Do you enjoy chocolate?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Huh? Why do you ask?

Unhelpful tech support guy: I’m technical support. Are you questioning me?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m sorry. In fact, I love chocolate.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Perfect! Eat chocolate when you drive in heavy traffic. That will give you enjoyable angst.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

Acid Wash Email

Do you need to acid wash email? Listen and learn as the Tech Woes IT pros demonstrate how to expertly acid wash email.

Acid wash email

if it is stored on brick, stone or concrete. Otherwise,Acid wash email acid wash computer simply delete unwanted email. Of course, you also want to empty your deleted items folder. Occasionally, you should compact your Outlook data files, if you use Outlook. On the other hand, if you no longer need a PC or server, you should destroy the hard drive. For instance, drill a few holes in the hard drive. In fact, this is standard privacy practice. Typically, IT professionals charge about $50. To be sure, secure data destruction specialists may charge less. Here is an example price list.

Following is a transcript

of a person with unwanted email and an unhelpful tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Perhaps, it is a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor.   I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I have some email I don’t need. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: What sort of email?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Personal stuff. Locker room talk.

Unhelpful tech support guy: No problem. Wash it in acid.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: How do I do that?

Unhelpful tech support guy: First, print out your email.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Ok.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Next, wash your printout in acid. That’s it. That is how to acid wash email.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

Zombie Email

Do you suffer from zombie email? Listen and learn as our Tech Woes email pros once and for all slay the zombie email.

Zombie email

comes out in force every HalloZombie emailween season. Specifically, email keeps downloading itself repeatedly onto your computer. Whenever this happens, your email is packed with duplicates, and it slows to a crawl. Some people would say that that this behavior is a function of POP email. Also, they would say to convert to IMAP instead of POP, to fix the problem.  Clearly, they do not understand the nature of zombies. Specifically, I would use a baseball bat, from the leading zombie reference source.

Following is a transcript

of a person suffering from zombie email and a vandalously  unhelpful  tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Perhaps, it is a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor.   I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I think I have Zombie email. Can you help me?

Unhelpful tech support guy: You have what?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Zombie email. It keeps downloading itself.

Unhelpful tech support guy: I can fix that.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m listening.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Log in to your email server and set up forwarding to yourself.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Huh? That doesn’t sound right to me.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Are you questioning me? I’m technical support.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m sorry. You are so wise.

Unhelpful tech support guy: That’s more like it. Believe me, this will work.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

 

 

Yahoo Hack

Were you hit by the Yahoo Hack? Listen and learn as the Tech Woes privacy gurus explain how to protect yourself from the Yahoo hack.

The Yahoo Hack

involved hackers stealing over 500 million passwords, according to Yahoo Hackthe Washington Post. Yes, hackers stole over half a billion accounts. This was the largest reported data breach in history. Sadly, Yahoo took a long time to uncover and report this huge hack. If you have a Yahoo account, change your password immediately! Do not wait until you get notice from Yahoo. Here are some steps you should take to deal with the Yahoo hack. Privacy Rights Clearinghouse is an excellent resource.  In conclusion, act now! Your privacy and possibly money are at stake.

Following is a transcript

of a person with a Yahoo email account and a very unhelpful tech support person. The advice he gave rivals the advice someone must have given to Yahoo. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my goofy attempt at geek humor.   I welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I just read about the Yahoo hack. What should I do?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Do you have a Yahoo account?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Of course. That’s why I’m calling.

Unhelpful tech support guy: You don’t have to get testy.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Should I change my Yahoo password?

Unhelpful tech support guy: No. Change your other passwords to match your Yahoo password.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Huh?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Hackers already have your Yahoo password. They would never think you would use the same password on your other accounts.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much. You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

Can you find your iPhone 7 headphone jack? Watch our tech woes IT gods uncover the iPhone 7 headphone jack.

No iPhone 7 Headphone Jack?

You just paid $749 for a new phone with no headphone jack. iPhone 7 headphone jackIf you are not happy, you are not alone. Of course, you could use an adapter with your sleek new phone. Apple would prefer that you pay them another $150 or $200 for a wireless set. Wireless buds do look a little sleeker, but they are much more likely to get lost. So, you just may think that Apple played you.

Following is a transcript

of a customer with new iPhone 7 and a mischievous tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I just got iPhone 7, and it is missing a headphone jack.

Unhelpful tech support guy: It is not missing — just hiding. I can show you how to unhide it.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m listening.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Turn over your phone, and look in the upper left corner. Do you see two holes?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Yes, I do.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Good. The one on the left is your headphone jack.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: But my headphone plug won’t fit in it.

Unhelpful tech support guy: You need to drill it out with a three sixteenths inch drill bit.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much. You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

IRS Calling

Is the IRS calling you demanding cash? Learn how our tech gurus deal with the IRS calling scam.

The IRS calling

out of the blue is about as likely as snow in Miami on the fourth of July. IRS Calling ScamWhen they say they are going to sue you, you should get a clue. If you are still on the line after they demand cash, you are getting ready to pay someone in a faraway land. Of course, the scam relies on the gullible.

Following is a transcript of an unsuspecting foil and an “entrepreneurial” tech support person. The caller has fallen for the IRS calling scam. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I just got a call from the IRS. They said they are suing me.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Did they demand cash payment?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Yes, they did. How did you know?

Unhelpful tech support guy: They have been cash only for years. Just bring me the money, and I will take care of it for you.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much. You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away. Woo woo! That’s our third victim today.