Web Site Offline

Is your web site offline?  Get expert advice from the IT Tech Woes pros on how to deal with your web site offline.

With your web site offline

it can be a real pain to deal with your web host, to get it back online.  My first business web site http://Info-Safety.com was hosted with a big hosting company recommended by PC Magazine.  It took several days to get them to respond, and several more to get the problem fixed. Shortly afterwards, I moved my business web site to https://www.sliqua.com/, where they fix problems right away. This skit is about the former, not the latter.Web site offline tech woes

What follows is a transcript of a telephone conversation between a person with a web site offline and an unhelpful tech support person. The caller just wants to get his web site back online. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty, and any resemblance to a real life situation is coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: There seems to be a problem with my web site.  Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Sure.  What seems to be the problem?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: My web site is down.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Today is national web site appreciation day.  We gave them all the day off.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

iPhone Privacy

Did you just order the iPhone 4?  Listen and learn as our Tech Woes iPhone privacy expert addresses your iPhone privacy concerns.

iPhone Privacy

For those of you who did not get the memo, hackers published over 114,000 personal email addresses of iPad owners. They were ablTech woes, iphone privacye to do this by exploiting a security hole in AT&T’s iPad activation web site. According to an article published in the New York Times, victims of this massive security breach included military personnel, business executives and public figures.

Transcript

What follows is a transcript of a telephone conversation between a person who preordered the new iPhone and a clueless tech support person. The new owner has some iPhone privacy concerns. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. However, any resemblance to a real life situation is coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I just ordered a new iPhone and I have a question.  Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: You lucky duck!  That is as jake as New Kids on the Block!

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Yes, I know it’s bodacious!  Since you advertised the email addresses of your cool iPad customers, I was wondering if you would do something similar for your cool iPhone customers.

Unhelpful tech support guy:  Trust me, we have something magical planned for you, as well.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

iPad Web Woes

Are you having problems with your Apple iPad?  Find out how the Tech Woes pros deal with iPad web woes.

iPad Web Woes

Connecting to the internet is one the major issues that cause tech woes for computer, tablet, and smart phone owners around the world. Even iPad Web Woesconnecting wired devices (think desktop computers) can be a challenge at times. Wireless devices like the iPad can be even more challenging to connect. When you can’t make it connect, you look to tech support.  In some exceedingly rare cases, tech support just wants to get you off the phone, so they can go back to playing Counter-Strike or Madden.

What follows is a transcript

of a telephone conversation between a frustrated iPad owner who wants to connect to the internet and an unhelpful tech support person. As always,  the names have been changed to protect the guilty and any resemblance to a real life situation is coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my very subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: My brand new, totally awesome Apple iPad won’t work with any of my favorite web sites.  Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: You have an iPad?  How do you like it?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I love it.  It’s totally tubular! Except it doesn’t work with any of my favorite web sites.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Oh that.  We just got a memo from your favorite web sites.  They are experiencing technical difficulty.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank goodness.  I was afraid there was a problem with my iPad.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Heavens no.  Your iPad rocks.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

 

Windows 7 Upgrade

Thinking about upgrading to Windows 7?  Get expert advice from our IT hero Tech Woes gurus about a Windows 7 Upgrade.

Windows 7 Upgrade

If you have a computer, you probably know how painfully difficult it can be to upgrade to a new operating system. Most of the time, it is a better idea to stick with what you have, until you are ready to buy a new Windows 7 upgrade tech woescomputer. Of course, if you have the technical know-how or know somebody who does, your decision may be different. In too many cases, catastrophic data loss and tech woes result. I have lost track of the number of times people call me after getting a free upgrade by the helpful people at the computer store. They usually want to know, “Where’s my stuff?”

What follows is a transcript

of a telephone conversation between someone who is interested in upgrading his computer operating system to Windows 7 and a Tech Woes creator.  Please remember that the names have been changed to protect the guilty and any resemblance to a real life situation is coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my not so subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I want to upgrade my computer to Windows 7.  Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course.  Do you have a backup of your important documents?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: No.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Excellent!  First, format your hard drive.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: What about my documents?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Windows 7 has your documents already built in.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Are you sure?

Unhelpful tech support guy: I’m technical support.  Are you questioning me?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m sorry.  Please continue.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Put in the Windows 7 installation DVD and let her rip.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Do I need to write down my passwords, collect my software CD’s or download any drivers before I begin?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Nope.  Windows 7 has everything it needs built in.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Thank you so much.  You make it so easy.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Thank you for the kind words and for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

Domain Woes

Do you suffer from Domain Woes? If you need help renewing your business web site registration, our IT Tech Woes  pros will cure Domain Woes.

Domain Woes

If you have a web site, you probably know how paDomain woesinfully frustrating it can be to deal with a web host or domain registrar. If not, you should consider yourself among the lucky few! Trying to renew your hosting plan or registration is a lot harder than it should be. In fact, it’s a lot like dealing with your cable company. They are always glad to sell you something you don’t need, but not too willing to help resolve a simple problem.

Following is a transcript

of a telephone conversation between someone who simply wants to renew his business web site domain registration and a not very helpful tech support staff member at his web hosting company. Please remember that the names have been changed to protect the guilty and any resemblance to a real life situation is coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my not so subtle attempt at tech humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I need to renew my business site domain registration. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course.  When does the registration expire?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: In two weeks.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Excellent! Go to EBay and search for domains for sale.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: EBay? You put my domain on EBay?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course. Our renewal process is impossible, so we put customer domains on EBay, for their convenience.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: You make it so easy.  Thank you so much.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Any time.  Thank you for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

Quirky Keyboard

Does your quirky keyboard make  your arrow keys move the cursor in the wrong direction? Learn how the Tech Woes Gods Remap Your Quirky Keyboard.

Quirky Keyboard

Several years ago, I had a client who had a keyboard with arrow keys that moved the cursor in the wrong direction. The right arrow moved it to the left, and the left arrow moved it to the right. An obvious hypothesis was that her quirky keyboard was a defective keyboard, but I suspectedQuirky keyboard tech woes differently. Since she had a cat, I thought that the cat may have crawled across the keyboard and managed to somehow remap the keyboard.  After five or ten minutes of investigative IT detective work, I discovered what really caused the problem – someone installed a Hebrew font pack!  A few seconds later, my client mentioned that her daughter had installed the font pack the previous day. At her request, I uninstalled the font pack, and the quirky keyboard problem went away. Imagine, that she had called a less than stellar call center. Keep reading. . .

What follows is a transcript

of a telephone conversation between a person with a quirky keyboard problem and someone who is not terribly helpful. Most call center first level tech support staff would probably recommend replacing the keyboard, which was clearly not the problem. At least this “tech woes god” came up with a more creative “solution.” Please remember that the names have been changed to protect the guilty and any resemblance to a real life situation is coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my not so subtle attempt at tech humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support.  How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: The right arrow key on my keyboard moves the cursor to the left, and the left arrow key moves it to the right.  Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course.  Turn the keyboard around.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Huh?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Just try it.  You’ll see.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: The arrow keys work properly, but how do I type?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Just stand on your head.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: You make it so easy.  Thank you so much.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Any time.  Thank you for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

High Speed Internet

Need high speed internet installed in a hurry? A call to our Tech Woes telecom gurus will get you high speed internet in no time!

High Speed Internet Installation

Have you ever called an internet service provider, to arrange to have high speed internet service installed, and discovered that getting it installed in a reasonable time frame is not an option? Welcome to the real world of less than stellar service from your local cable company.

What follows is a transcript of a telephone conversation between a person who needs to have high speed internet installed within a few months and Tech Woes, high speed internetsomeone who is bound and determined to drag it out for up to a year. Please bear in mind that the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent and any resemblance to a real life situation is merely a coincidence. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my not so subtle attempt at tech humor. I invite you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by. Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I need high speed internet installed. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course. When do you need it?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: September 15?

Unhelpful tech support guy: September 15? It’s May already. We can be there some time next year.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Next year? Are you serious?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Here’s my promise to you. We’ll be there in a year, or the service is free.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: You make it so easy. Thank you so much.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Any time. Thank you for calling technical support, where poor service is our promise to you.

Shared Printer

Would you like to share a printer connected to one computer, with other computers? Learn how the Tech Woes Pros Set up a Shared Printer.

A Shared printer

in its time, served a useful purpose. Sharing a printer involved connecting aShared Printer printer directly to a PC, and sharing that printer with others on the local network. Sharing like this required the host (directly connected PC) to always be on when others wanted to print. Needless to say, this arrangement was quite problematic. Finally, when inexpensive network printers became available, this type of sharing largely died off.

Following is a transcript

of a person wishing to share a printer and a mischievously unuseful tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely by chance. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m having trouble setting up a shared printer, and I get a message from my firewall. Can you help?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course. Ignore the firewall message. There is a better way.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m listening.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Open the document you want to print and write down everything in it on a piece of paper.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Are you kidding?

Unhelpful tech support guy: I’m technical support. Are you questioning me?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I’m sorry. Please continue.

Unhelpful tech support guy: After you write everything on a piece of paper, carry it to the computer connected to the printer and re-type it. Then print it.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: You make it so easy. Thank you so much.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Any time. Thank you for calling technical support, where a stupid answer is only a phone call away.

Crashed Drive

Does your computer have a crashed drive? ? Listen and learn our how technical support Tech Woes Guru Saves a Crashed Drive.

A Crashed Drive

frequently results in catastrophic data loss. If you don’t have a good backup Crashed Driveand you have anything important on your computer, you are toast! For most people, it only happens once, but once is one time too often. If you go to a store named after a fruit, frequently the solution is to wipe your device. So, make sure you have a backup.

Following is a transcript

of a person with a dying hard drive and a diabolically vandalous tech support person. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: My computer’s hard drive is taking a long time to read.

Unhelpful tech support guy: How long?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: It takes several minutes to open a one page document.

Unhelpful tech support guy: I see. Is there anything important on that computer?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Yes. Years of research notes are on it.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Do you have a current backup of your research notes?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: No. Someone from technical support told me that was not necessary.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Excellent. I will walk you through overwriting your hard drive with zeros and ones.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Will that solve my problem?

Unhelpful tech support guy: No, but it will give the folks in tech support a good laugh.

Forgotten Passwords

Forgotten passwords can be a real pain. Learn how tech support’s Tech Woes Guru takes the lead on dealing with Forgotten Passwords.

Forgotten Passwords

can be a real pain, especially if you have a lot of them to remember, and Forgotten Passwordschange them frequently. Unfortunately, people in high security positions are not allowed to use password managers. For many other people, password vaults, like LastPass, RoboForm, or Norton Identity Safe, fill the bill.  Some write them on scraps of paper or put in paper files, and others just call tech support.

Following is a transcript

of a person who forgot his password and a terribly unhelpful tech support person. To make matters worse, the foil maintains the nuclear reactors. As is my policy, I have changed the names to protect the guilty. Any resemblance to real life situations is purely coincidental. Or is it? Maybe a little bit of both. I hope you enjoy my subtle attempt at geek humor, and welcome you to express your opinions and share your frustrating experiences in the comments below.  If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with others. Thank you for stopping by.  Craig Herberg

Unhelpful tech support guy: Technical support. How may we humiliate you?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I forgot my user name and password.

Unhelpful tech support guy: For what system?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: For the computer system, you idiot!

Unhelpful tech support guy: Of course. What do you need to do on the computer system?

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: I need to maintain our nuclear reactors.

Unhelpful tech support guy: Ok. The username and password are both blank. Just click on OK to log in.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Do you mean to tell me that anybody can get in to our nuclear reactors?

Unhelpful tech support guy: Well, yeah, but who would want to? It’s not like we have mp3s to download.

Unsuspecting tech woes victim: Do you realize that your laziness is putting our entire country at risk?

Unhelpful tech support guy: What ever. Bitch, bitch, bitch. That’s all these people ever do.